Guilty pleasures

I made the embarrassing decision the other day to order a copy of the latest Warriors game. I agree completely with reviewers who pan these games, but I have a weird affection for them. The last one I played that I enjoyed was Samurai Warriors. It was five or six summers ago, and my younger sister and I played through it together while we were on a family vacation. We played with characters we made ourselves (few of the games feature character creation, but this one did), and somehow that made it more fun.

The whole DoA boobs physics thing was a sad, but hilarious, chapter in gaming history.

No matter how many warriors you slay, you can’t escape the fact that you’re playing this game.

I mean, seriously, they’re terrible. You run around fighting armies of cut-and-paste soldiers–literally the same character model, multiplied thousands of times–with generic J-popped versions of legendary Chinese or Japanese warriors. There’s hardly a plot to speak of, and while you do have mission objectives, technically, they all boil down to variations on the “kill that guy” theme. (Sometimes they throw in a “kill that guy before he kills this other guy,” just to spice things up).

And there’s also the fact that every game is pretty much identical to the last, with the exception of some new animations and play modes. I feel dirty from just reading the back of the box, much less purchasing a copy.

Despite all that, I really enjoy these games. I can’t explain it exactly, but there it is. I’m fond of the junk food metaphor, and I guess that’s operating here. The Warriors games are the crappiest of crap, processed, sugary garbage. They are the Stuckey’s Pecan Log of games, absolutely consistent and predictable.

You can't stop eating them, until you realize your intestines fell out back in South Carolina.

Three seconds of deliciousness. Hours of gastrointestinal distress.

I’m not out to justify my affection for these games. This is more of a confession than a defense. My sin is that I paid money for this terrible game, thereby encouraging the company to make more of them. I am beyond redemption.

Look at this crap. It doesn’t even look good. The trailer showcases how bad the graphics are, and puts the repetitive gameplay center stage. They don’t even try to hide the game’s flaws; they revel in them.

And I can’t wait to play it. Bah.

My only hope is that people will be too distracted by Lollipop Chainsaw to notice.

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